In the tradition of The New Yorker‘s “Shouts and Murmurs” section…


 

[Hayden] Christensen also confirmed recently that Lucas got a helping hand with the script for Revenge of the Sith. In an interview with Playboy, he said the rumours about playwright Tom Stoppard working on the dialogue for the film are true.

CBC News

Mr. Lucas,
Since I know that you like to go back and re-work your movies, I’m including some re-writes for scenes from the first trilogy as well.
May the farce be with you,
Tom

SCROLLING TEXT: A long time ago, in a galaxy fa-fa-fa-fa fa-fa-far away...

It is a period of, oxymoronically, civil war. (How can war be civil? Really?) The liberal radicals have won their first victory against the evil Galactic Umpire.

During the battle, Rebel spies managed to steal secret plans to the Umpire's ultimate weapon, the Sticky Wicket, an armored space station with enough power to comb Einstein's hair.

Pursued by the Umpire's sinister left-handed agents, Princess Leia races home aboard her starship, custodian of the stolen plans that can save her people, restore freedom to the galaxy, and that also contain several fantastic pudding recipes...

...

EXT. TATOOINE -- DESERT.

Jundland, or "The Land of Jund", where the rugged desert mesas meet the foreboding dune sea. The two helpless astro-droids kick up clouds of sand as they leave the lifepod and clumsily work their way across the desert wasteland.

THREEPIO: How did I get into this mess? I really don't know how. We seem to be made to suffer. Or is that just my Kant sub-routine talking.

Artoo answers with beeping sounds.

THREEPIO: What a desolate place this is. Reminds me of Gulag Archipelago.

Suddenly Artoo whistles, makes a sharp right turn and starts off in the direction of the rocky desert mesas. Threepio stops and yells at him.

THREEPIO: Where are you going?

A stream of electronic noises pours forth from the small robot.

THREEPIO: Well, I'm not going that way. It's much too rocky. I'm waiting right here.

Artoo counters with a long whistle.

THREEPIO: Waiting for who? For Godot, that's who.

Artoo continues to make beeping sounds.

THREEPIO: We'll I'd rather be alive in a box in the desert than dead in a box in the desert.

Artoo continues to make beeping sounds.

THREEPIO: What mission? What are you talking about? I've had just about enough of you! Go that way! You'll be malfunctioning within a day, you nearsighted scrap pile!

Artoo starts off in the direction of the mesas.

THREEPIO: (depondent, quoting AE Housman)
He would not stay for me, and who can wonder?
    He would not stay for me to stand and gaze.
I shook his wheel, and tore my gears asunder,
    And went with half my life about my ways.

...

INT. CREATURE'S HOUSE

LUKE: Look, I'm sure it's delicious. I just don't understand why we can't see Yoda now.

CREATURE: Patience! For the Jedi it is time to eat as well. Eat, eat. Hot. Good food, hm?

LUKE: Yeah, good.

CREATURE: Good, hmm?

LUKE: Hm?

CREATURE: Good?

LUKE: Good, yeah.

CREATURE: Hmm.

LUKE: Hm?

CREATURE: No good?

LUKE: No, good.

CREATURE: Good.

LUKE: How far away is Yoda? Will it take us long to get there?

CREATURE: (in a normal voice) You daft twat. Can't you tell I'm Yoda! (back to the old voice) Er, mean I, Yoda I am. Daft twat you are.

...

INT. GANTRY -- OUTSIDE CONTROL ROOM -- REACTOR SHAFT

Luke moves along the railing and up to the control room. Vader lunges at him and Luke immediately raises his lit sword to meet Vader's. Sparks fly as they duel, Vader gradually forcing Luke backward toward the gantry.

VADER: You are beaten. It is useless to resist. It would take as many fifty giga-Ohms of resistance.

At that instant, Vader's sword comes down across Luke's right forearm, cutting off his hand and sending his sword flying.

VADER: Ooh, someone just got a little less handsome. Only sketches, not swords, can be drawn 'freehand'. If we were a composer, we wouldn't be W.C. Handy, would we? Hands off to you -- I mean hats off -- I mean helmets off. Here. (Hands him the helmet.) Consider it a hand-me-down.

Vader laughs so hard he begins wheezing and coughing.

LUKE: I'll never join you!

VADER: If you only knew the power of the dark side. Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father.

LUKE: He told me enough! He told me that he voted for Labor in the last election.

VADER: No. I am your father.

Shocked, Luke looks at Vader in utter disbelief.

LUKE: No. No. That's not true! That's impossible! That's more impossible than cold fusion under Newton's 2nd Law of Thermodynamics.

VADER: Google your feelings. You know it to be true.

LUKE: No! No! No!

VADER: Luke. You can destroy the Umpire. It is your destiny. Join me, and we can regieren the galaxy as Vater and Sohn. Kommensie with me. It's the einzig way.

Luke does go with him.

George, you don’t even need that whole Episode VI with all those dreadful furry Willow bears. End it here, perhaps with a clever pun or witty song-and-dance. Your pal &ct.,
Stoppy


RELATED: My earlier thoughts on Star Wars: Episode III. And speaking of The New Yorker, Anthony Lane’s review is a must-read. Diztopia had a similar idea, but with Mamet. Ray Pride takes on the political ineptitude of loopy Lucas.

UPDATE 5/20/2005: A balanced review over at Llama Butchers.

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Roger M. Wilcox is skeptical of The Force
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